Khazakh herdsmen attack Uighur bicyclists on Nicollet Avenue

Matt McKinney at the Minneapolis Star Tribune:

A sudden, random attack on three bicyclists last Friday on Nicollet Mall kicked off a melee that had Minneapolis police pursuing 15 to 20 youths who assaulted the bikers and ran through an outdoor restaurant patio as they fled, according to court documents.

The event unfolded in front of police officers patrolling the pedestrian and transit thoroughfare after “numerous, recent ‘flash mobs’ of individuals engaging in criminal conduct,” according to a criminal complaint.

Since there is no possible way the Star Tribune will allow me or the public to positively identify the actors in these attacks, so that we, as the public, can take action to stop these attacks or to insure our safety, we must make some assumptions.

A sudden, random attack on three Uighur bicyclists last Friday on Nicollet Mall kicked off a riot that had Minneapolis police pursuing 15 to 20 teenage Khazakh herdsmen who assaulted the Uighurs and ran through a Comanche outdoor restaurant patio as they fled, according to court documents.

The event unfolded in front of police officers patrolling the pedestrian and transit thoroughfare after “numerous, recent ‘flash mobs’ of Khazakh herdsmen herding their livestock down Nicollet Mall,” according to a criminal complaint.

There. Fixed.

We have identified the culprits. Downtown Minneapolis is now safe.

Matt can now go back to sleep at his warm and fuzzy desk.